Wow. I haven't blogged in a while now have I?
The Reason? I feel apart. Like completely! I just stopped eating then would binge like crazy at night. My buddy hasn't emailed me in a while and I'm scared something has happened and I cried and then binged over that. It just stressed me out so much. It has literally been a while since I have herd form her. We have become close too. So it's like not hearing from your favorite sibling! It drives me up the walls just thinking about it.
Any way, enough of my little rant. I have some new new's!
I found what triggers a binge for me. Let me tell you how I found out.
So it was around 10 maybe 9:30 at night the other day, when I decided to fast for real. So I set my alarm for 12 O'clock to let me know my fast has started. I was going to have a snack before it started, but I decided to see what it feels like to say no to food, since it has been so long since I have been able to. So I stopped what I was doing and laid down to watch some Bridezilla while waiting for my fast to start. Soon enough my alarm went off, telling me it was time to get serious and stop fucking around. I had discovered before hand on my other fasts, that when I set alarms every four or five hours to tell me to keep going, it helps. I did that and then continued to lye around watching my favorite shows to keep me busy. I did this until it was was at least 5. I turned my alarm off and then decided to try to sleep. I ended up staying awake, so I got on my phone and looked up some sites and blogs. I stayed awake and realized I had not had any cravings or hunger. I thought maybe it was just because I'm not even that far into the fast. I soon fell a sleep at like 9 am and woke up around maybe 5 or 6 pm. I was kinda getting a hankering for some food. I then got told to finish my home school testing. So I did that and I had still no cravings or even the want to eat. I didn't even have the want to drink water. (((The want to not drink water started before my fast. I was going to dry fast but decided not to when my fast started, but for some reason I couldn't bring myself to drink any water. I didn't want it.))) It was then that it hit me. Keeping busy is like a cock-block to binges. I kept that in mind on what could be causing my binges. I then later on got done with my testing and had to sit around watching some T.V. with my mom. I was getting bored and food came to mind. I ending up binging like crazy, AGAIN!! That was when my mind snapped and I went on a crazed rampage. I threw my water bottle across the room, having it fly from the living room all the way into the kitchen. Water splattered every where. I started crying and cursing out my little eating habits.(NOT THAT MY MOM AND DAD HAD LEFT TO GO SOME WHERE!! I WAS HOME ALONE!)) I screamed and ran into my moms room and weighed myself. Seeing those numbers, just put me off even more. The tears came gushing out more then they were before and I did the unthinkable. Something I haven't done in a few months now. I PURGED. But, I couldn't throw it all up. I just kept gagging. I just like spit up two times. Not even really getting anything at all up. I became more furious I started hitting myself and then finally collapsed to the floor in defeat. The binge has won. I just gave in and continued to eat. Thinking I was done with Ana and her ways of having me get so worked up over eating just a bit of a baby carrot. I was pissed off at her! For doing this. For me thinking that I had control when all a long she controlled me. I had gotten over that little fit after an hour and come to my senses and welcomed Ana back. Something was telling me to go through my day to find out what lead to my binge. I came across the whole testing and being busy. I kept going until I remembered doing nothing that I HAD to do! If I have nothing to do I binge. But having something important to do, knowing I have to do it, I keep busy with it and do NOT binge nor drink water. So there it is. Doing stuff that is important, rather in to me or just something I have to do , like school testing, I get done. If it is something minor like reading a book or making myself do something just random, I tend to binge out of boredom of what i'm doing. I have a mind that makes me do things and if I don't it bugs me. It was bugging me last night while trying to go to sleep, and I realized it was because I kept thinking about how I still had like 3 tests to do. And since they weren't done it just kinda itched me a bit. So I think I'll destroy my room and make a mess of things, because I'm kind of a neat freak and have to have things perfect. Or else it bugs me to death.
Well, I have now decided to restart my fast. It is now 4:18 am and I am going fine so far. Because to me blogging is important and I'm to tired to eat anyway. Ahaha!!!! Well. I was wondering, if anyone even reads this stuff, if you know any good sites with fasting tips or keeping busy, like important things to do or something. Or just maybe some tips and trick on eating little to nothings even when not fasting, for when my fats is over. It would help. I'll give your blog a shout out if you have one and give me a site to go on, even if it's your own. Please, it would help. Like I said, IF ANYONE EVEN READS THIS BULLSHIT!!! SAD SUCK ASS THING I CALL A LIFE!!!!!! Sorry, any way....
Later...
~Lotes of Love, Tori~
No comments:
Post a Comment