Day 1 of 3.

Alright, so here's how it went down. I was doing great. I ate five carrots for breakfast at 7:30ish am. (25 calories)

Then I finally feel asleep around 9 am. I got up and ate around 5:30ish pm, only 5 carrots, again. (25 calories)

I was sitting around, and it was nearing 7. I started thinking about the skinny cow ice cream bars I had in the freezer, and I started to crave them. I was allowing myself 150 calories, so I got 5 more carrot stick,(25 calories) and munched on those so I didn't binge.  

I didn't binge, thank the lord. It was around 8 pm, and I was still doing excellent. My friend Sarah called and wanted to come over so I said sure. I mean why not, she could be my distraction from food, right? She come over, and not more then a half hour later, I found myself sitting on my bed eating those ice cream sandwiches with her. I told myself fit is okay, as long as I don't eat anymore. I then indulged in some more ice cream, then a ham sandwich, coffee with creamer, and some more shit food. I didn't go to far though, I stopped myself before I could even get full. I had self control. I know I screwed up, but it is not like I was fasting or anything, I still have two more days to eat right and shrink my tummy a little bit. I also want to get used to eating little to nothing at all. I am not the one to really dwell on my mistakes. So I got over it, letting myself have nothing else, until tomorrow morning. I figure, tomorrow I will only have 50 calories, 25 for breakfast and 25 for lunch. I will skip dinner. 

It's now 11 o'clock. My friend is staying the night, but I'm probably gonna turn in early any way. So I can get up early, eat those carrots, have maybe some coffee, no creamer or anything though, and then do something to burn off those calories. 

Alright, bye for now. I plan on sticking to my diet tomorrow. Not eating anything but my carrots and water. (50 calories.) Yes, it is kind of like a punishment. Though not all the way, because I did stop myself from continuing my binge. 

Later...

~Lots of Love, Tori~

Some Quotes!

Here is some thinspo quotes and pictures. 

Remember, hang in there.

~I may be weak physically, but I am strong mentally.~

Say that to yourself, when you are weak and want to give up. It's what I have been telling myself for a while now. 

I hope theses help. I wasn't going to binge or anything, just felt like looking this stuff up and sharing it. 

Later...

~Lots of Love, Tori~

~The feelings~

Do you ever want to just drop right were you are and give up? Fall to the ground in tears? End it all? Well I do. I want to close my eyes, and for them to never open again. To fade away, and wither into nothing. 


Later...

~Lots of Love, Tori.~

~The feeling of nothing is quit lovely.~

~"Feeling of nothing, is quit lovely."~

I ate, ate so much. I binged. I looked in the mirror, my eyes running over my whole body. "I hate you!" My voice screams frantically at the  horrid image being reflected back at me. "You don't deserve to live." I whispered. I feel like Killing myself. Just fading away. To close my eyes, and for them to never open again. To be free. To lie there dead, peaceful. I can't stand this life. Should I call it quits? I questioned myself. Should I say good bye, or should I continue this battle, even though I know I'll end up losing. If I do give up, I feel as though these battle scars were for nothing, but I can't keep going. I'm a fish out of water. I need to breathe and breath of death. That's when it clicked. 

My feet guided me to the bathroom and over to the tub. I placed my hands on the nobs and the hot water started pouring out. I watched as the steam rolled to the ceiling.

The tops of my fingers grazed the sides of my stomach, as my hands heaved my shirt off and onto the floor. Goosebumps flooded my body when my shorts dropped pass my thighs. 

I placed both feet into the warm water. My butt soon collided with the bottom of the tub. I laid back, resting my head on the edge of the bathtub. 

I grabbed the peace of glass, bringing it to the inner arm, where it bent. Wincing at the feeling of it dragging across my flesh, my eyes squeezed shut. I did the same to my right one. 

I placed both arms in the water, after putting the peace of glass back. "This is it." I softly told myself. The tears streamed down my hot, burning red cheeks. 

I closed my eyes and all the foods I binged on twisted around inside my brain. 

I now feel light and numb. The pain is gone! I felt like a burden was being lifted off my shoulders as the blood oozed its way out of my cuts and flowed around my naked, trembling body. I was scared at first, but soon my mind went blank and the tears stopped. The feeling of depression washed away, leaving me empty and happy. While my blood was draining out and leaving my body, my problems were going too. Every moment was a moment closer to leaving my troubles for ever. Every single minute that passed, was making me weaker and weaker. The fuzzy vision and hallucinations soon settled in and everything seemed perfect.

I saw the blood and to me it was all the bad stuff and sadness expelling itself form my lifeless figure. It felt like I was as light as a feather. As if I could fly! I soon felt absolutely nothing as it seemed as if I was floating on air. Dancing with the birds on top of the clouds. Blackness started clouding my eyes sight, till I just say black. I herd music, a very alluring and soothing melody. I want to touch it, but I can't , I can't see it. "Keep going, you can't reach it yet, but you will soon." So I did just as the voice said. I tried, but I was binded by weakness and coldness.

I black out at that moment. Nothing was left, just black emptiness. 

My eyes fluttered open, and I found myself in a hospital bed. Needles were in my arms and I had bandages on both my right and left arm. I let my eyes wounder around, till I saw a sleeping person. Not just any person. 

It was my sister.

I soon found out that it was my sister who saved me. I hated and loved her for that. Hate, because I wish so badly to be back in that moment. Feeling nothing but the air beneath my feet. Love, because she cared enough to save me, and to brake down the door to find out why I wasn't answering her. 

Maybe someone does care.

I will never fully feel loved, but this is  great start, yeah? 

I felt a binge coming on and I was bored, so I decided to write a little short story. 

Later...

~Lots of Love, Tori~

 

Why?

Ugh! Why can't my life just be easier? Why can't I just be skinny, huh? Why? Sometimes, just, I wish I could cut off all my fat. Make it all go away. 

I cannot fall asleep, I am bored as hell and I am so damn tired! I'm also freezing. So hurray to that. Note my sarcasm. 

After my 3 day warm-up, I'll post my starting weight, current weight, goal weights and my ultimate goal weight. I would do it now, but I haven't weighed myself. I am too scared too.

    

 Well'p, I guess I'm gonna just go and watch 'Raising Hope' for a bit. Then make some coffee, have my breakfast, blog a bit and work out. Probably listen to some music too.

Before I go, I'd like to just say, I will be writing little short stories on here. It's what I do when I am trying not to binge, think about food, ignore hunger or hunger pains, etc.

Later...

~Lots of Love, Tori~

My fast an thinspo!

Well, today is the start of my three day fast with my Ana buddy. I am having only 150 calories. I am not sure if I should split them into three meals, 50 calories for each meal, or only have two, 75 calories for both. I can always exercise after I eat the dinner part, I am going to work out then any way. Just not quite sure.

I plan on having carrots as my breakfast, lunch and or dinner. I could also have some lettuce, just I won't add any dressing. Too much fat. 

Here is our plan:

First day: 150 calories, no fat or carbs. Exercise twice a day.

Second day: 100 calories, no fat or carbs. Exercise twice a day.

Third day: 50 calories, no fat or carbs. Exercise twice a day.

I then will start my 7 day fast on the fourth fay. I have a plan made out for that too. I will exercise every other day, and walk on the days I don't exercise.

If exercising becomes to much, for I will be weak, I shall just continue on walking, either once or twice a day for the rest of the fast.

let's hope I can pull this off.

Some thinspiration to help me through this dreadful and horrid day.

(Remember, I do NOT own any of these pictures.)

Tummy:

Now some Hip Bones:

Collar Bones:

Thigh gap:

(This is my favorite.)

You see that picture right there. She is lying side ways, and her thighs still do not touch. I want that!

I hope you enjoy this thinspo. I plan on posting in a little while. Probably before my work out, which will be in an hour or two, and after.

~Lots of love, Tori~