~Mute~

My body moves effortlessly over to my closet. Too ugly. Too small. Too big. What the? I stop the pointless cycle, with no knowledge of what I'm going to wear. You see, it's my first day in a new school. I'm horrified, anxious and on a ticking time bomb!

I want this year to be excellent but, with my luck, I'll screw it up within the first hour. An inhuman noise made its way up my throat and out my mouth.

The door knob wiggles and the large piece of wood noisily moves, till a pint-sized figure was in view; my little sister. "Sissy, did you say something?" Her eyes desperately held a spark of hope, but it vanished the second I shook my head 'no'. "Oh. Well breakfast is ready." A bitty expression of friendliness dashed across her rims, and I felt mine divert into a horseshoe shape. Glum then dangled from her brimming eyes, before she perished from my vision.


 

 

Lying there awake while the salty, clear liquid endlessly streams down my cherry red cheeks. I cannot stand to have this recognition. I wish I'd all just go away. Never, ever, come back.

 

 

Life?

Life?

I really don't know the secret to it.

What do I think?

I don't even know.

God?

Yes.

Having fun?

Yes.

But, do I really know what it holds?

No.

Will I ever conquer it?

Hell no!

 

 

 



Little update! Sorry guys.

 I'm sorry I haven't been writing as much, I was sort of busy. I had this family reunion, but didn't eat the whole day till then and only ate a little bit till I was full then stopped, even though some of the things were sweets, and I stuck to water and diet pop.
 Weighted myself the day of the reunion, and was 151.4, I worked out when I got home and didn't eat for the rest for the day, and when I weighed myself the next day I was 150.4 so I'm really stoked, and still have been going strong, but have decided to restart the A.b.c. diet, because I really want this to be a perfect, completed diet. I believe I can do this, and with my bud Elle, I know I can do it.
 Today I had 400, but plan on having a yogurt (Fat free), bumping my cals to 490, still under 500, so I'm okay.
 Tomorrow I plan on doing the same thing, and eating the same thing as well.
 If anyone would like to do this diet with me, email me at foxmx98@yahoo.com.
 My buddy is doing a different diet that I made up for her, kind of like the 2468 and A.b.c. It's 200 one day, then 300, then 400 and then 250, then go backwards, and repeat until you are done.

A.b.c. diet day 4!

 Day 4 of the A.b.c. diet is going great. I cannot beliebe this is really working out. Usually a cave on the second day, if I haven't already the night of day 1. So, I am aloud 400, but I have been able to keep it to 183 calories. Well, a diet coke says only 0 but some people say it has 1, so I guess you could say I had 184 calories, if so. I plan on having diet coke the rest of the day, to keep me full and not bothered by food. I love diet coke, so I'd actually rather have that then anything else.
 Okay, so I'm going to start documenting my food consumption, in case anyone would like to know what I eat.

Breakfast: Salad, six leaves, 20 cals-Italian dressing (Fat free), 2 tablespoons, 15 cals-10 blueberries, 7.8 cals.

Lunch: One Yogurt (fat free), 90 cals-10 blueberries, 7.8 cals.

Dinner: Salad, six leaves, 20 cals-Italian dressing (Fat free), 2 tablespoons, 15 cals-10 blueberries, 7.8 cals

The 30 blueberries adds up to 23 cals.

Total intake: 183.

 The weird thing, I add up each thing of 10 blueberries, 7.8 cals, and I get 23.4, but I'm on the same site that says its 7.8 for 10, then I switch it to 30 and it says 23.3 so I'm quite confused. I've checked other sits to be more accurate and they say its 23 cals as well. All, well. Ana tells me it'll all be okay, as long as I'm not over the 400 mark. So since I'm not even over the 200 mark, I'm not really worried, just I'm just really obsessed on knowing the EXACT calories in my intake. But, Ana told me to chill out, or I might start to freak, last time I had a calorie freak out, I binged on every fucking thing my meaty hands could latch onto. So, taking her advise, which is always wise, I'm chilling out and just drinking my diet coke.

 

 

 

~Till next time, my little Ana girls~

 

 

 

 

A.b.c. diet day 3 (Weight included) Beau Brooks!!!

Woke up today around 1 something, went pee and weighed myself. I'm now 152.6 lbs! I'm astonished right now. I lost like, 2 lbs in one day. I did skate board and walk around the mall for ages though, then my nephews came over and I skated and played with them for a while too. Man, a 3 and 2 year old really can get tiring. But, it was worth it. Not only because of the exercise, but because I got to play and love on 2/3rds of my favorite boys. My other nephew didn't come, even though his mum and dad were supposed to, but all well, they took him shopping with them, instead of dropping my little baby Hunter off. He's so chunky, its to adorable. Okay, so I have a weak spot for ears that kind of stick out, and his do! I'm just, it's so cute. I cannot help but fangirl over guys with the smallish ears that sick out a bit. Like Beau Brooks...I love his ears so entirely much!

 

Here's a picture

 

 

Just look at those ears!

 

 

 

Okay now I'm just posting sexy picture's of him.

 

  See his ear in this picture...I LOVE IT!!!

 

 

 

     Those eyes, man...those eyes!

 

 

 

 

Aright, I'm done!!! I've got the Beau feels! Need to chill on the pictures and videos of him....Oi, if you don't know, he's part of  'The Janoskians' fucking amaZayn! Look them up on youtube. They're just,  funniest shit I've ever seen!!

 

 

 

Okay, well, I'm off to watch some more America's Next Top Model! And drink some more diet coke.

 

 

~Till next time, my little Ana's~

Update...becasue I'm FREAKING OUT WITH JOY!!!!

Sorry, just a little stoked right now, so I have to tell who ever even read this! I found this diet pill that my brother took when he lost A LOT of weight. He took it and it expanded in his stomach and he literally would go days with out eating, simply because he didn't feel hungry! I just, I'm amazed. I cannot wait to get my money now! This will help me eat less and still be able to do things, because it gives you energy. So no more weakness because of lack of whatever I'm lacking in. Mhm.....OI! I'm so fucking, just..ajhfksdhgklds!!! I cannot sit still. This will help my dieting so much more. I can take this on my fasting days or really low calorie days during the A.b.c. diet! I can finally feel relief, and actually be able to go near food. My brother, when he took the pill, would go near food and have no cravings or desire for whatever it was, rather a fruit or a big chocolate candy bar, he just felt full like 24/7. Still, this is the most brilLiam thing I have ever herd of! My mind ceases to believe it, but well, my brother speaks the truth...and I was there when he lost all the weight, I just didn't know he was taking that pill. Duuude! He would go running at night and kick boxing! See, my brother is like, my hero. So if he took it and found it okay, and lost weight and became built, then HELL YEAH I'm going to do this. I cannot wait to actually start to see the progress I'm making-even better! My brother noticing and being stunned and very proud, not ashamed to say, that 15 year old girl who's got abs and looks bad-ass, is my little sister! I herd him talking to his friends about me, he said. "She's got this kick-boxing thing down, man. Remembers combinations like that. Next year she's gonna be bad-ass." HE SAID I WOULD BE BAD-ASS!! I really cannot wait for this weight to goooo awaaaaay!! I'm so fucking anxious to even speak or sit still. Or even breath properly! O_O

 

 

Okay, so, my goals, before this school year starts, is to be 120 lbs (Less if possible), be training in kick boxing again and to be able to run at least a mile. Those are my really needed goal. I shall start my running tomorrow, kick boxing tomorrow and well, succeed with day 3 of my diet, for 120 lbs! Please, any tips you guys have, cause I know people read this, would be amaZayn! Just, pleeease! Or even just post a link to of tips page would be great. 

Weight and thinspo!

Just weighed myself. I'm 155, but I had a glass of diet coke and also a little before I had something to eat, added my calories so 498.

 

I'm drinking another glass of diet coke, to keep me full. I'm also watching America's Next Top Model!! These model's body's are PhenomiNiall! (Pardon me, I'm a Directioner, also a die hard Bielieber, so if I ever spell believe wrong, you know why ;P )

 

Well, I just thought I'd update, cause I said I would.

 

Here's some Thinspo, my lovely little Ana's!

 

Shmegeh

 

 

 

 

Okay, now some random stuff!

 

 

 This could be you, so keep going, love! You know you want to, and can!

 

 

This is something I'll do every year, on the day I weigh myself and seen my ultimate  goal weight. I'll have like, and anniversary.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



Ana Boot Camp (A.B.C. diet) day 2!!!!!

So, today went excellent. I had only 465 calories. I can have 35 more, but I choose to save that for night time, I tend to get hungrier then and want to binge.

 

I just got back from the mall, and before hand I skated around to this place called Bosos and I got a pickle and a large water. I went with my sister, Mary. At the mall, I seen these really dope looking Penny board. Its just, dude, I'm so stoked to get it! I'm getting it when I get my money next. Should be soon. Oi, I cannot wait for this A.b.c Diet to really kick in. I weighed myself yesterday and I was 154.8 when I was 158 about a few days before, then I actually made it up to 159.2 sooo THAT GOT MY LAZY ASS BACK ON TRACK!

 

Any way, I'm bout to have a friend come over and board around. I also plan on going to the gym later on around, 7 maybe. It's 5:57 at the moment, so yeah.

 

 

Well, I'll weigh myself a little later, and then post my weight and other stuff. Oi, I also have some amazing thinspo, so that will also be in the next post!

 

 

~Till next time, my little Ana's~

Ana Boot Camp (A.b.c. diet) day 1

Well, today's been great. So far I've had less then 436 calories. YAY ME!! 1 day down, 49 to go. Well, tomorrow is 500 calories (or less) so I know I can do this, because it was extremely hard to make myself eat more then 90 calories. So tomorrow I just have to make sure I eat 500, maybe a tad less. Then so forth and so forth.

 

Right now I'm off to rent a few movies, (To keep busy) and get some yogurt.

 

~Till next time, my little Ana's~

Carly and Penny boards!! Also diet plan.

Forgot to mention this. The diet I'm starting with Carly, is the A.B.C. diet. Her step mom makes sure she eats. Not cause she knows about her not eating, just cause she does for some reason. Any way, on the days we have to fast, she'll be staying the night, so we'll probably be posting a lot of thinspo to keep us going. She also might be part of my blog too. Let's hope she is. She's really cool too, so I'm happy I found her. She's a grade younger, but who the hell cares, yeah? Aha. Alright, well later. Bout to go night boarding!!! I fuckin love Penny boards!!!

BLAH!!!! I don't even know?

So, I just met this girl named Carly. Well, actually I met her a little bit ago, just we really, just, started hanging out a lot. Turns out, she's really just like me. Trying to lose weight. She weights about 20 lbs more then me, but all well. I can't judge her at all! I shared some of my diet pills with her and she shared some of hers with me. I went with her to Michigan for about 3 days. I made a diet plan and set up my pill taking plan and how much, but for both of us. We did really great, actually. I have got back on my board, and found out she skateboards as well. See, I'm so in-love with skateboarding, that when I plan on boarding, I do it morning till I have to go home, and even then I just skate around my street, but I never ever stop to eat, I never want to, I'm to into boarding to even care about my rumbling tummy. I finally found my great distraction. I also never bring money with me, so that way I'm never tempted. And since I'm out, I'm not even around food. If my dad hands me money as I go out the door. usually I'm quick to spend it on a some water or Arizona tea up at 7-11. The first like, week of boarding around, when I started it up again, I weighed myself on like, the fourth day of skating and I weighed 157, the next day I weighed in I was 156, then the next was 153!!! I was so amazing. That I could be so in-gaged on just cruising around and listen to music with my friend/s, I can lose that much in just a little time.

 

 

Tomorrow, expect some thinspo!!! 

HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!!!

I cannot believe this!! I just weighed myself. Mind I have my suspenders on, hanging low, a shirt, bra, pants, you know, all that stuff. Also I'm on my period, so that kind of screws with my weight as well, not to mention a ate. So, I weighed 158 pounds of UGHLY FUCKING NASTY FAT!!!

 

I have stopped eating a little bit ago and, since I am on my period, it is soooo hard to say no to chocolate, when offered it. But I do and I am just drinking a lot of water. If anyone wants to water fast with me. I'll be doing 5-7, maybe 10 days. So who ever is up for the task. Please, I really need this!

New plan!

Alright, I got the perfect diet plan guys!

• Day 1: Water fast. (Can have only 10 calories worth of fruit or veggies)
• Day 2: Water fast. (Can have up to 5 calories worth of fruit or veggies)
• Day 3: Water fast. (No fruits or veggies)
• Day 4: Dry fast.
• Day 5: Water fast. (No fruit or veggies)
• Day 6: Water fast. (No fruit or veggies)
• Day 7:Water fast. (No fruit or veggies)
• Day 8: Dry fast. (No fruit or veggies) 

After this I'll see what my weight is and Hopefully it will be down to at least 140. I'll then start to eat for only 3 days, only having like 60 to maybe 90 calories a day, and I'll work out too. After these 8 days I'll post my next plan. But i'll be posting in the morning and at night. Maybe if I need some distraction i'll post some thinspo er something. I know I say I'll post and don't always, so this time I'll set alarms telling me to. 

Later Love's....

Fasting buddy and a failure!

Alright you guys. I fucked up my fasting. I know, I am a failure. You're probably reading this shaking your head. I do not know what to do anymore. I want to give up on EVERYTHING. Call it quits for real. No more tears, pain, hatred or sorrow. I want to drive a knife through my heart. I want to sew my mouth shot till I can count my ribs. I want to lock myself in my room till I can stand up and see my hip bones sticking out. I want to starve till the point where I am so weak I can't walk. My breath coming shaky and my heart beat slow. I want to be able to grab my collar bones. I want to be able to grasp my hip bones. I want angel wings. I want that bone sticking out on my shoulder. I want it all. I just, can't seem to reach it. So many other people have seemed to touch it and hold onto it, but I can't. Because I am a failure! I hate this. I try to tell myself to just quite with Ana. Leave her alone and don't let her come back, but every time that spoon or fork makes it's way to my mouth, I shudder and feel disgusting. Having that voice scream at me, trying to force me to put the silver wear down. I want to purge everyone ounce of food in me. 

I am going to six flags with my sister Mary and her boyfriend Andrew. I want to be skinnier for this. I want to bring a friend with as well. I want this. I WILL HAVE THIS!! I will try my hardest to fast this week. I WILL! I just need some support. If anyone out there knows what i am going through and is willing to fast with me for at least 3-5 days. Please leave me a comment of your email. Or if you don't want to give out your email just comment and ill give you mine as a reply. 

I would also like if someone could give me new diet ideas. I take diet pills, but only when I eat. I was wondering if anyone knows a good diet that could make you lose weight between 3-5 days. PLEASE I AM DESPERATE!!!

New idea!

Alright, so I have an idea. I might be selling my dog, Irish, but I really do not want to. She is like my baby and all, so yeah. Here is my idea. If I can make it back down to at least 145 but a certain date, I'll keep my puppy. If I do not then I must sell her. Then if I do not make it, I'll have sold her and will obviously want to buy a ferret. Maybe two, in case one is lonely. But, I cannot buy one until I make it to 139. I know this will work, because I love Irish to death, so I'll do anything to keep her, and if I don't, well i love ferrets sooo entirely much, they are my favorite,  that I'll probably be able to fast really well, because I'll just keep watching ferret youtube videos er something. Wish me luck! Oh, maybe if I make it to 145 in time, then I make it to 139, even though I'll still have Irish, I can take some money and buy myself a Turtle! My dad did say I can get one, even though we have Irish. So, yeah, after this goal thing, i'll do that. 

Alright, well I have to go, I'm watching Pewdiepie. BEST, MOST FUNNIEST, YOUTUBER EVER!! 

Later....I'll update after my fast is finished. I still have some more hours to go. I'll also be doing some more tips later, and probably some thinspo. I might even put up a picture of my little Irish!

I'm sorry!

Oi, me gosh!! I can;t even expain, i need to sleep i'll update tomorrow! Errrg! I keep spelling stuffff wrong. I haven't slept in loner then 24 hours! If i got for, I think a littel less then 12 hours longer, I'll have gone 48 hours with out sleeping. if only it could be with out food, instead of sleeping. okay, oi , dude, okay good night! 

My favorite blog!

Oi, here is that one girls blog by the way. 

http://transparentbeauty.blogspot.com/search?updated-min=2009-01-01T00:00:00-06:00&updated-max=2010-01-01T00:00:00-06:00&max-results=50

People piss me off.

People piss me the fuck off. Like so much. They never learn anything. My friend sits there, analyzing me. Then you know what she said? "I read online about someone having and eating disorder."  Are you fucking kidding me, right now? "Really? That sounds gross. Why would someone do that? Wait why'd you look it up?" Then she starred at me. "Well, I did it because one of my friends might be like that. It's not that gross, if it's someones way of living then its someones way of living." Then she was all like, "If my friend actually admits it I'll be fine with it." No way in hell I'm telling her. "Oi, well I hope she tells you. Maybe you should just ask her about it. Be straight about it." I was only saying that so she'd think I really thought she was talking about someone else and maybe think i wasn't. "Well, okay. Tori, are you anorexic?" Now I literally spit everywhere. For real. Now, i am not the one to lie at all. So I found some loop holes and got around the truth with out lying. "Well, why would you think I'm that? That is just plan dumb. You know me, I love food. Do you really think I could go like a day with out food?" I was playing it cool and just asking questions, making her assume things. Never lying. "Yeah, just I thought you were kind of. You've been eating less, I guess it's just your diet. You are losing weight too, so yeah. But if you ever were to be, you could tell me. I'd actually help you out with it. Like with not eating and stuff." I was so close to just saying. "Fine, I'm Pro-Ana. I have a blog and everything. I starve myself for days then binge like hell. I restrict like crazy one normal days and I envy every fucking skinny girl I see. LIKE YOU! When I eat I hate myself and wish for death!" But it stead, "Naw, I think I'm too weak to do that, but If I ever." Never finishing me sentence, cause if I ever, which i have, I would NEVER tell her! Okay enough of my rant, later.    

PHONE!!!!!!!!

Well, guess what? IM BLOGGING ON MY FUCKING PHONE! WHOAD, HELL YEAH, NIGGA! OKAY, WELL THATS ALL I WANTED TO SAY, DONT KNOW WHY IM STILL WRITING IN CAPS, BUT ALL WELL, BYYYYE!

More tips and some 'more' news.

Okay you guys, I see on the views that people are looking at this, but could you maybe comment so I don't feel like I'm talking to myself so much. It would mean a hell of a lot if I could get my first comment. 

Okay I got that out of the way. I have some more news! I fasted a full 24 hours! Yay me! Oh my gosh I'm like totally happy right now. You have no idea, man. I have been trying to complete at least a whole day, and I finally did it. 24 hours, man. I FEEL AWESOME! Okay, so I knew that if i continued to fast I'd find myself in a binge. So I let myself have some food. Just not enough to make me feel full at all. It was small too, like each thing that I consumed. I have a new idea of what I can do, to help with my fasting. I actually read about it on another blog. They call it checkerboard. It is were you eat one day and then fast the next. I have a bit of a different way on doing it though. I plan on fasting for 24 hours then eating a little bit, like some fruits and veggies. Keep in under like 300. I usually, when I have my normal days with out binging, eat only 100 calories. So I plan on trying to do that, but if I go over I HAVE to keep it 300 or below. I will also switch it up a tad bit. Oi, I forgot, I wont be eating the whole day. Probably just in the morning then fasting the rest for the day until I hit 24 hours.

So that is my new plan.  I'm going to try and find that one girls blog and put it in here so people can go look at it. It is amazing. She is like amazing too. Like started at 200 something pounds and is losing weight really well. She is just amazing! 

Alright, i have bored you enough. I said I was going to give more tips, so here ya'll go.

Tips: 

• Keep busy 24/7. Never stop doing stuff.
• Read a book or try writing. If you can draw do that.
• Just take a bath for a long time. Sit and relax.
• When eating, chew a lot and eat slowly.
• Count how many times you chew before you swallow.
• When you feel like eating something, wait 15 minutes, tell yourself if you are still hunger you have have and apple, salad, anything healthy really.
• When you eat, pace around.
• If you sit while eating just wiggle around.
• When out to eat, talk a bunch.
• Sit in one place all the time with no distractions, something kind of boring. There for you wont look forward to eating, you might even put it off.
• After you eat, lay on your side for about an hour or how ever long, if helps in go through your system fast, not being able to take as much fat out. After this go exercise. 
• If you are trying to fast, tell your self, if I eat I must work out before and after, each 1 hour or 2, how ever long you prefer. 
• Do something that you love in place of eating.
• Find something you enjoy way more then eating, lie the the tip above, and think, "If I eat, I wont be able to do this for __" Then just how ever long you wont be able to do it for.
• Set small goals, like first is 120 then 115, 110. Sometimes you may even skip some goals, instead of only losing like 3 pounds you may lose 6 or 7. It happens.
• Reward yourself. NOT WITH FOOD! Maybe do something after a certain goal. Like, just anything. Buying some new cloths. Getting something pierced. A tattoo. Maybe even and animal. I got myself a dog, she is a Mastive named Irish. I love her to death too!
• Keep something in sight that reminds you of your goal or of fasting or of Ana, Not something obvious, only something that you would know about. Maybe something red or a certain saying. ANYTHING! I have a Red rubber band I keep on the fridge door so I see it when I want to eat. Red for Ana, and the fact that I wear rubber bands to help me not want to eat, by snapping it. I always think of fasting when I look at it. Try it, it may help.

Okay, all I can think of. I will try to find some real girl thinspiration. Which is the best! 

Okay, if you have any tips on how to keep me form going overboard when I eat a tad then fast again, cause I;m doing the checkerboard diet, it would amazing if you could tell me. 

Oi, also, I'm going to post a picture when I get to a certain goal weight, I already have one picked out. Let's see if i can get there. I KNOW I CAN!!!

Fasting tips and GREAT NEWS!!

Oi, guess what??? It is only 2:56 A.M. and I am already feeling those hunger pains. I LOVE IT! I love feeling hunger. I plan on not drinking any water, to kinda kick start by fasting. It really does help. I'm going to give you all some fasting tips and tricks.

Well, here ya go.

Fasting Tips:

• Never go into the kitchen, it can throw you off by just looking at the food. So smelling it is way worse. 
• Try to get in a lot of sleep. Go to be early and try to wake up a little later in the day. I'd say like 11 or 12. Maybe even sleep in to skip a few hours.
• Sleeping in. Sleeping in is what got me through my fasts. I would sleep and wake up a pound or two lighter. What a great satisfaction, yeah?
• Keeping water with you at ALL times. Never go anywhere with out it.
• Do not go out to events. Unless it is a food-less event. Other wise you might crack under the pressure of everyone else eating an the smell of it too.
• Don't take money with you when you go out. You might be tempted to stop at some near by store or gas station and buy something.
• Plan it around free times. Never have something big going on while fasting. It could screw up all your hard work.
• If you must go out, bring gum or something less then 50 calories to eat if you feel yourself caving in.
• If having friends over is triggering to eat, then don't have them over. Or at least only ever once in a while. Maybe hang out at a place where no food is involved, like a park. Playing may be childish, but hey, your burning calories so fuck it!
• They exercising is not really intended while fasting, but if you want to just to help lose weight fast, I'd say just walking for a short period of time before bed. It actually relaxes you and could help you fall asleep better.
• Get lots of rest! You will feel weak, dizzy, faint and getting your rest is HIGHLY recommended!

That is about it at the moment. But i'll probably do some more later.

~Lots of Love, Tori~

Tips!!! FINALLY!!! And my update, BOO MEE!!!!!!!!

Well, I fucked up. I don't give a shit though. I am way better then food to let it drain me out and hold me down, having me dwell on my mistake and stuff my face further more. So i stopped after I jammed a peanut butter and jelly sandwich down my throat. Though, a little while after I lapped up some milk after I chowed down on my cereal. Oi, but it does not end their. I had another, ANOTHER FUCKING BOWL OF APPLE JACKS. I Then got a wine glass, considering it was the only cup I felt like drinking out of and it was the smallest as well meaning less intake, and poured some 30 calorie chocolate milk (MY LIFE SAVOR!!) into it and drank at least 3 or four, maybe 5, wine glass cups of it, and remember, one whole cup is 30.  

Well, I stopped eating at around 10 something. I then, since I got my little work out thingy, (Still haven't gotten to take a picture yet.) worked out for a little bit. I had also worked out a few times when I got up and my parents were gone, and I had been fasting.

Oi! Great news, guys! Well kinda bad, but still good. If that makes any sense, Aha! I got my weight a tad higher. Like around 157 maybe. So, sense I had been on this fast-almost-a-whole-day-then-binge-at-night-and-do-some-shit-to-try-and-keep-off-the-weight faze, I decided to just weight myself yesterday. I did, right before I ate and I was 151, and i got happy because I told myself if it was lower then 152, (My last weight in) I couldn't eat and would continue to fast, but if not or even higher then I would eat a bit. I ended up binging anyway and weighted after it at 153. I was pissed and then I did really nothing, just laid on my left side a bit and wiggled and fidgeted around a lot. I then weighed in today at around 5 or something after I got up and was, surprisingly, 150. I got so stoked that I exercised on my running/walking thingy, but then i screwed that up later by eating, obviously. AHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHHAHAHAHAHHA! Fuck my life -__-

Oi, well, this blog wasn't just made for me to rant about my shit -filled life. It was also meant to give those, who inspire to lose weight and achieve that stunning body we ever so want, tips and tricks on how to do so. So...HERE YA'LL GO!

Tips to curb your hunger:

1. Sucking on ice will give your mouth something to keep busy with. It will even help your body get more water, without drinking straight liquids.
2. Tea is an excellent drink to help you reach your goal. Caffeine acts a appetite suppressant, it has antioxidants, and hot liquids will help you feel more full. You can also add a wedge of lemon for a bit of zing.
3. Diet coke, I only recommend when about to binge. It helps and the fact that it is carbonated, means bubbly, makes you feel full.
4. Black coffee will also be a useful drink due to the caffeine and heat. Heat makes your tummy feel better and makes you feel fuller longer. 
5. Exercising. It always helps me and may even help you. People say it actually makes you more hunger, but not me.

Well, I can't think of anymore tips, sadly, but I swear to you guys, I will find some and do my research. Just, not yet because it is like 1, nearing 2, am and my nephew are over and sleeping on the other coach next to mine and I must watch them. I'll blog later on today, if I work out I'll try my best to do it after. Before I go to be is another time when I'll be updating. 

Cause of binge and my new fast

Wow. I haven't blogged in a while now have I? 

The Reason? I feel apart. Like completely! I just stopped eating then would binge like crazy at night. My buddy hasn't emailed me in a while and I'm scared something has happened and I cried and then binged over that. It just stressed me out so much. It has literally been a while since I have herd form her. We have become close too. So it's like not hearing from your favorite sibling! It drives me up the walls just thinking about it. 

Any way, enough of my little rant. I have some new new's!

I found what triggers a binge for me. Let me tell you how I found out.

So it was around 10 maybe 9:30 at night the other day, when I decided to fast for real. So I set my alarm for 12 O'clock to let me know my fast has started. I was going to have a snack before it started, but I decided to see what it feels like to say no to food, since it has been so long since I have been able to. So I stopped what I was doing and laid down to watch some Bridezilla while waiting for my fast to start. Soon enough my alarm went off, telling me it was time to get serious and stop fucking around. I had discovered before hand on my other fasts, that when I set alarms every four or five hours to tell me to keep going, it helps. I did that and then continued to lye around watching my  favorite shows to keep me busy. I did this until it was was at least 5. I turned my alarm off and then decided to try to sleep. I ended up staying awake, so I got on my phone and looked up some sites and blogs. I stayed awake and realized I had not had any cravings or hunger. I thought maybe it was just because I'm not even that far into the fast. I soon fell a sleep at like 9 am and woke up around maybe 5 or 6 pm. I was kinda getting a hankering for some food. I then got told to finish my home school testing. So I did that and I had still no cravings or even the want to eat. I didn't even have the want to drink water. (((The want to not drink water started before my fast. I was going to dry fast but decided not to when my fast started, but for some reason I couldn't bring myself to drink any water. I didn't want it.))) It was then that it hit me. Keeping busy is like a cock-block to binges. I kept that in mind on what could be causing my binges.  I then later on got done with my testing and  had to sit around watching some T.V. with my mom. I was getting bored and food came to mind. I ending up binging like crazy, AGAIN!! That was when my mind snapped and I went on a crazed rampage. I threw my water bottle across the room, having it fly from the living room all the way into the kitchen. Water splattered every where. I started crying and cursing out my little eating habits.(NOT THAT MY MOM AND DAD HAD LEFT TO GO SOME WHERE!! I WAS HOME ALONE!)) I screamed and ran into my moms room and weighed myself. Seeing those numbers, just put me off even more. The tears came gushing out more then they were before and I did the unthinkable. Something I haven't done in a few months now. I PURGED. But, I couldn't throw it all up. I just kept gagging. I just like spit up two times. Not even really getting anything at all up. I became more furious  I started hitting myself and then finally collapsed to the floor in defeat. The binge has won. I just gave in and continued to eat. Thinking I was done with Ana and her ways of having me get so worked up over eating just a bit of a baby carrot. I was pissed off at her! For doing this. For me thinking that I had control when all a long she controlled me. I had gotten over that little fit after an hour and come to my senses and welcomed Ana back. Something was telling me to go through my day to find out what lead to my binge. I came across the whole testing and being busy. I kept going until I remembered doing nothing that I HAD to do! If I have nothing to do I binge. But having something important to do, knowing I have to do it, I keep busy with it and do NOT binge nor drink water. So there it is. Doing stuff that is important, rather in to me or just something I have to do , like school testing, I get done. If it is something minor like reading a book or making myself do something just random, I tend to binge out of boredom of what i'm doing. I have a mind that makes me do things and if I don't it bugs me. It was bugging me last night while trying to go to sleep, and I realized it was because I kept thinking about how I still had like 3 tests to do. And since they weren't done it just kinda itched me a bit. So I think I'll destroy my room and make a mess of things, because I'm kind of a neat freak and have to have things perfect. Or else it bugs me to death. 

Well, I have now decided to restart my fast. It is now 4:18 am and I am going fine so far. Because to me blogging is important and I'm to tired to eat anyway. Ahaha!!!! Well. I was wondering, if anyone even reads this stuff, if you know any good sites with fasting tips or keeping busy, like important things to do or something. Or just maybe some tips and trick on eating little to nothings even when not fasting, for when my fats is over. It would help. I'll give your blog a shout out if you have one and give me a site to go on, even if it's your own. Please, it would help. Like I said, IF ANYONE EVEN READS THIS BULLSHIT!!! SAD SUCK ASS THING I CALL A LIFE!!!!!! Sorry, any way....

Later...

~Lotes of Love, Tori~

Thinspo???

After my work out, I'll be posting a few tips on fasting, how to shrink your stomach and what not. Also, there will be some great thinspo!

Day 2 of 7: Fasting

Another day, of having not an ounce of sleep. I am so depressed right now. Yet, I am happy. I don't really get it, but it happens. I will be so happy and up-beat about losing this disgusting weight. Then the next minute, I'm lying there on the floor, screaming and crying my eyes out. 

I force myself to throw up, even if I have only had some kind of juice. I just, I feel control, skinny, when I can make myself throw up, even when I don't want to.  I tell myself, "You have to do it, or you'll never be skinny, never have what you want and never be able to go out looking good in anything." 

Sometimes this will only last for, usually, a half hour. The longest was about maybe a day or two, and the shortest was, mmm, 20 minutes.

Usually in the moments of only being down, I'll see someone who is skinny on T.V. or on the Internet. I then tell myself, "Not to worry, I shall soon look like them, but maybe skinnier."

In the times of a day or two. Is usually when I have lost all hope, resorting to stuffing my face and sleeping all day.

It is now day 2 of my 7 day fast, even though yesterday I ate.

I told you guy's I'd put my weight things, so here ya go.

HW: 160

LW:142(I think)

CW:145(Could be lower or higher, have not weighed myself in a while.)

1GW:155(Reached)

2GW:150(Reached)

3GW:145(Reached)

4GW:140(Yet to maintain)

5GW:135

6GW:130

7GW:125

8GW:120(Trying to get here before June 6st)

9GW:115

10GW:110

UGW:105

I know, I am FAT! No need to say anything, or make comments. 

I have been struggling with this for at least, 2 years. I was 13 when I first started eating less and purging after every meal, then I started working out like crazy.

Well, i am going to work out. Last night I ran with my sister-in-law so that went well, specially since I ate. 

Oh by the way, it did not take me 2 years to get down to 145 form 160, I just never weighed myself up until I turned 15, that is when shit got real.

I entered a weight lose competition with my sister and brother, it was a biggest loser thing at my church. I was starting off by just eating right and working out every night for an hour or 2. Then I realized that I lost at least 5 lbs in the first week. I then started restricting my calories, thinking if I eat less I'll lose it faster. So I did. The next day I couldn't eat, and then I weighed myself the morning after and I had lost more weight. I figured it was from not eating. So it clicked, not eating, more weight lose. So I began not eating. I only drank water and ate those chew able vitamin c tabs, it tasted like oranges and was only 5 calories and 0.5 grams of sugar, for at least 12 days, and I went to weigh in, and I was down from 155 to 150. I was so  physicked. I ate even more less. The next weigh in was 142. My motivation got higher. I then got word that out of everyone and all the groups, I was on the 1st for losing the most weight. Talk about your self-esteem boot, yeah? But I slowly slacked.

Until just a few months ago, I picked back up again, with a new idea, fasting. No chew able vitamins this time. I learned about the ketosis and all that. So yeah, here I am now. Fasting and trying to shed at least 20 lbs by June. 

Well, 

Later...

~Lots of Love, Tori~

Day I of my 7 day fast.

Sorry I didn't post yesterday. I felt like shit. Today I had some carrots. About 50 calories worth.

My friends over, so I'm going to go and let her be my distraction from food. 

Oh, my sister found out. Turns out she went through this too when she was younger. She was real to. She never ate, she passed out all the time. She joined track to keep her from eating. She is trying to help me eat, but is never home so I am good. 

Let's hope I can get through this shitty day!

Day 2 of 3.

Sorry I didn't update in the morning. My friend stayed the night and was following me everywhere, and I couldn't blog with her right there. She'd see and then shit would go down.

Well, here is my day.

I didn't sleep up all. My stomach was killing me from the shitty food I had had, but when 7 am rolled around, I woke her up and made her some blueberry pancakes and I ate 3 carrots.(15 calories.)

I told her I didn't like blueberry's and I am not hungry at the moment anyway. She excepted and carried on eating. This girl is only 120 something lbs, so it kinda sucks being around her, but I just look at it as thinspiration. 
We kinda laid around all day and just talked about random shit. It was raining and freezing out, so the walk was canceled. BOO TO THAT! We ended up just dancing around my house, blasting music. Then my parents came home and my mom offered me this slice of pickle. It was just a little slice, the hamburger slices.I ate it, because pickles are no calories, carbs or fat. Just a lot of salt.
She got hungry around 12ish, so i cooked her a burger and made her a salad. I made myself a burger, just so she'll think I was eating it. I also grabbed 5 carrots sticks. She went to the bedroom, and I was starting to get nervous. I tried to think of a way out of eating that 'burger'. I sat down and only eat 4 carrots sticks, because I got full. (I love that, I got full off of 4 carrot sticks, only 20 calories!) She was eyeing me a bit. "You gonna eat your burger?" Before I could get anything out, she said the thing I about hugged her for saying. "Cause if you're not, I'll eat it." Then she reached out. I gladly gave it to her, saying. "Yeah, I feel kinda tried, to tried to eat much." It was true though. I was waaay to tried. Even to eat. So, after that we did about nothing, and I had just been emailing my buddy. I got even more tired, and took a nap. She then left and I continued to sleep. I actually just woke about about an hour ago. 
Least I didn't eat anything! I was kind of thinking about eating a few chips. So sleeping stopped me from doing so. 

That is all that happened, well so far anyway. I'll update before I go to bed lovelies. 

Later...

~Lots of Love, Tori~

Day 1 of 3.

Alright, so here's how it went down. I was doing great. I ate five carrots for breakfast at 7:30ish am. (25 calories)

Then I finally feel asleep around 9 am. I got up and ate around 5:30ish pm, only 5 carrots, again. (25 calories)

I was sitting around, and it was nearing 7. I started thinking about the skinny cow ice cream bars I had in the freezer, and I started to crave them. I was allowing myself 150 calories, so I got 5 more carrot stick,(25 calories) and munched on those so I didn't binge.  

I didn't binge, thank the lord. It was around 8 pm, and I was still doing excellent. My friend Sarah called and wanted to come over so I said sure. I mean why not, she could be my distraction from food, right? She come over, and not more then a half hour later, I found myself sitting on my bed eating those ice cream sandwiches with her. I told myself fit is okay, as long as I don't eat anymore. I then indulged in some more ice cream, then a ham sandwich, coffee with creamer, and some more shit food. I didn't go to far though, I stopped myself before I could even get full. I had self control. I know I screwed up, but it is not like I was fasting or anything, I still have two more days to eat right and shrink my tummy a little bit. I also want to get used to eating little to nothing at all. I am not the one to really dwell on my mistakes. So I got over it, letting myself have nothing else, until tomorrow morning. I figure, tomorrow I will only have 50 calories, 25 for breakfast and 25 for lunch. I will skip dinner. 

It's now 11 o'clock. My friend is staying the night, but I'm probably gonna turn in early any way. So I can get up early, eat those carrots, have maybe some coffee, no creamer or anything though, and then do something to burn off those calories. 

Alright, bye for now. I plan on sticking to my diet tomorrow. Not eating anything but my carrots and water. (50 calories.) Yes, it is kind of like a punishment. Though not all the way, because I did stop myself from continuing my binge. 

Later...

~Lots of Love, Tori~

Some Quotes!

Here is some thinspo quotes and pictures. 

Remember, hang in there.

~I may be weak physically, but I am strong mentally.~

Say that to yourself, when you are weak and want to give up. It's what I have been telling myself for a while now. 

I hope theses help. I wasn't going to binge or anything, just felt like looking this stuff up and sharing it. 

Later...

~Lots of Love, Tori~

~The feelings~

Do you ever want to just drop right were you are and give up? Fall to the ground in tears? End it all? Well I do. I want to close my eyes, and for them to never open again. To fade away, and wither into nothing. 


Later...

~Lots of Love, Tori.~

~The feeling of nothing is quit lovely.~

~"Feeling of nothing, is quit lovely."~

I ate, ate so much. I binged. I looked in the mirror, my eyes running over my whole body. "I hate you!" My voice screams frantically at the  horrid image being reflected back at me. "You don't deserve to live." I whispered. I feel like Killing myself. Just fading away. To close my eyes, and for them to never open again. To be free. To lie there dead, peaceful. I can't stand this life. Should I call it quits? I questioned myself. Should I say good bye, or should I continue this battle, even though I know I'll end up losing. If I do give up, I feel as though these battle scars were for nothing, but I can't keep going. I'm a fish out of water. I need to breathe and breath of death. That's when it clicked. 

My feet guided me to the bathroom and over to the tub. I placed my hands on the nobs and the hot water started pouring out. I watched as the steam rolled to the ceiling.

The tops of my fingers grazed the sides of my stomach, as my hands heaved my shirt off and onto the floor. Goosebumps flooded my body when my shorts dropped pass my thighs. 

I placed both feet into the warm water. My butt soon collided with the bottom of the tub. I laid back, resting my head on the edge of the bathtub. 

I grabbed the peace of glass, bringing it to the inner arm, where it bent. Wincing at the feeling of it dragging across my flesh, my eyes squeezed shut. I did the same to my right one. 

I placed both arms in the water, after putting the peace of glass back. "This is it." I softly told myself. The tears streamed down my hot, burning red cheeks. 

I closed my eyes and all the foods I binged on twisted around inside my brain. 

I now feel light and numb. The pain is gone! I felt like a burden was being lifted off my shoulders as the blood oozed its way out of my cuts and flowed around my naked, trembling body. I was scared at first, but soon my mind went blank and the tears stopped. The feeling of depression washed away, leaving me empty and happy. While my blood was draining out and leaving my body, my problems were going too. Every moment was a moment closer to leaving my troubles for ever. Every single minute that passed, was making me weaker and weaker. The fuzzy vision and hallucinations soon settled in and everything seemed perfect.

I saw the blood and to me it was all the bad stuff and sadness expelling itself form my lifeless figure. It felt like I was as light as a feather. As if I could fly! I soon felt absolutely nothing as it seemed as if I was floating on air. Dancing with the birds on top of the clouds. Blackness started clouding my eyes sight, till I just say black. I herd music, a very alluring and soothing melody. I want to touch it, but I can't , I can't see it. "Keep going, you can't reach it yet, but you will soon." So I did just as the voice said. I tried, but I was binded by weakness and coldness.

I black out at that moment. Nothing was left, just black emptiness. 

My eyes fluttered open, and I found myself in a hospital bed. Needles were in my arms and I had bandages on both my right and left arm. I let my eyes wounder around, till I saw a sleeping person. Not just any person. 

It was my sister.

I soon found out that it was my sister who saved me. I hated and loved her for that. Hate, because I wish so badly to be back in that moment. Feeling nothing but the air beneath my feet. Love, because she cared enough to save me, and to brake down the door to find out why I wasn't answering her. 

Maybe someone does care.

I will never fully feel loved, but this is  great start, yeah? 

I felt a binge coming on and I was bored, so I decided to write a little short story. 

Later...

~Lots of Love, Tori~

 

Why?

Ugh! Why can't my life just be easier? Why can't I just be skinny, huh? Why? Sometimes, just, I wish I could cut off all my fat. Make it all go away. 

I cannot fall asleep, I am bored as hell and I am so damn tired! I'm also freezing. So hurray to that. Note my sarcasm. 

After my 3 day warm-up, I'll post my starting weight, current weight, goal weights and my ultimate goal weight. I would do it now, but I haven't weighed myself. I am too scared too.

    

 Well'p, I guess I'm gonna just go and watch 'Raising Hope' for a bit. Then make some coffee, have my breakfast, blog a bit and work out. Probably listen to some music too.

Before I go, I'd like to just say, I will be writing little short stories on here. It's what I do when I am trying not to binge, think about food, ignore hunger or hunger pains, etc.

Later...

~Lots of Love, Tori~

My fast an thinspo!

Well, today is the start of my three day fast with my Ana buddy. I am having only 150 calories. I am not sure if I should split them into three meals, 50 calories for each meal, or only have two, 75 calories for both. I can always exercise after I eat the dinner part, I am going to work out then any way. Just not quite sure.

I plan on having carrots as my breakfast, lunch and or dinner. I could also have some lettuce, just I won't add any dressing. Too much fat. 

Here is our plan:

First day: 150 calories, no fat or carbs. Exercise twice a day.

Second day: 100 calories, no fat or carbs. Exercise twice a day.

Third day: 50 calories, no fat or carbs. Exercise twice a day.

I then will start my 7 day fast on the fourth fay. I have a plan made out for that too. I will exercise every other day, and walk on the days I don't exercise.

If exercising becomes to much, for I will be weak, I shall just continue on walking, either once or twice a day for the rest of the fast.

let's hope I can pull this off.

Some thinspiration to help me through this dreadful and horrid day.

(Remember, I do NOT own any of these pictures.)

Tummy:

Now some Hip Bones:

Collar Bones:

Thigh gap:

(This is my favorite.)

You see that picture right there. She is lying side ways, and her thighs still do not touch. I want that!

I hope you enjoy this thinspo. I plan on posting in a little while. Probably before my work out, which will be in an hour or two, and after.

~Lots of love, Tori~